30 Mistakes in 30 Minutes

Last night I watched Barbara Wa-Wa's "30 Mistaks in 30 Years," which I thought was supposed to be about the mistakes SHE has made, but instead it is about mistakes that others made by trying to mess with her.  Well, in the same spirit of that 2-part special I thought I'd give you 30 mistakes you can make with me because, after all, nothing is more important right? 

#30 - TAKE EVERYTHING I SAY SERIOUSLY -  You see that last sentence I wrote in the previous paragraph?  I call that sarcasm.  I love sarcasm.  Sarcasm is my escape valve and brings me delight.  If you take everything I say at face value then you're going to hate me and you know what?  I won't feel bad because you made mistake number 30, not me.

#29 - MAKING ME THE LAST PERSON TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM WITH ME - If you are upset with me and all you do is talk to others about it and yet I have to find out from those other people the issues then we're not going to get along very well.  I have thick skin, talk to ME first.  Tell ME how bad I am.  I will be grateful and promise only to cry in private.

#28 - TALKING BEHIND ME AT THE MOVIE THEATRE - Don't ruin my day (and $100 movie night) by gabbing during a movie at the theatre.  Ok, you can talk during previews and stuff like that, but when the movie starts your mouth should stop.  If theatres would install private booths I think I'd be more willing to go to them, but to pay a gazillion dollars for a ticket and then have to spend the entire night hearing about somebody's relationship problems behind me is not my idea of a good time.

#27 - LADIES, DON'T WAIT TO GO FIRST AT BUFFET DINNERS - All of us have been here before.  You're at a dinner with a large group, perhaps a church meal, and after the blessing the emcee says, "Ok, ladies, you're first."  Then, the ladies wait endlessly for some other lady to actually start the process.  What follows is that a hundred hungry guys, who would have no problem devouring viddles, wait and wait and wait for the ladies to actually take hold of the priviledge that is given to them.  I am so grateful for those ladies who just jump right in without fear.  You've been given a gift, the gift of being first in line, TAKE IT!

#26 – ATHEISTS TELLING ME I’M “CLOSE-MINDED” – The problem I have with this statement is not that I’m labeled as having a narrow mind because the truth is that I’ve accepted a path and said no to other paths.  However, what burns me is that they assume that they have factored everything into the equation and yet the truth is they are operating out of a faith-based system, thus narrowing their own mind.  They can’t believe in God because they won’t and that, my friends, is also close-minded.  At least be honest with your atheism.

#25 – NOT READING MY XANGA – How dare you!  Who do you think you are! 

#24 – TELLING ME TO CLEAN MY ROOM – Oh, Momma, do I have to?  I HATE cleaning my room.  My wife can attest to my disgust with having to clean.  There is NEVER a good time, in my mind, to clean.

#23 – SERVING ME CRAB CAKES – Oh, how selfish it is for me to be upset when you invite me over for dinner and serve crab cakes.  The fact is that you were kind enough to invite me over for a meal.  The problem with crab cakes is that they don’t taste like crab, but they SMELL like crab when they’re being cooked.  So what happens to a crab addict like me is I get the scent of crab in my nostrils, get super excited for crab, and then find out it’s not crab.  If we’re having crab cakes, please tell me in advance so there’s no massive let-down.  Now that I’ll never get invited to another meal again, let’s go on to #22.

#22 – ASKING ME TO PLAY “WIPE OUT” – As a drummer I get this question more than any other percussion question in the world.  It’s like when I was in school studying Greek and people would always react by saying, “It’s all Greek to me,” as if I’m supposed to laugh at that lame joke again.  “Wipe Out” is not a demanding tune to play so asking me if I can play it is like asking a dentist if he could brush his teeth.

#21 – TAKING ME TO THE DENTIST – There’s not a better way to ruin the day is there?  Sorry, dentists, but it’s just no fun.  However, after having oral surgery under anesthesia I would go if they put me under because then I don’t have to stand there with my mouth wide open and listen to all of the weird noises, waiting at any moment for some incredible pain to strike.  When I become a pastor I can reverse the tables because I’ll have all the local dentists’ spouses force them to come to church to hear me preach.  Quid pro quo, my friend, quid pro quo.

#20 – INVITE ME TO DINNER AND SERVE SALAD – If you’re wanting to have me over and want to serve salad there better be steak in that salad or on the side because you simply don’t make friends with salad.  I’m sorry if I insult you with this, but I’m telling you, to do this to me is a mistake.  I’m close-minded, remember.

#19 – BUYING ME A MICHAEL W. SMITH CD – If you want to see a new world record the time it takes to receive a CD and get it in the garbage then go ahead and get me a Michael W. Smith CD.  That man’s voice drives me nuts.  He’s probably a really nice guy, but I can’t take it.  I could do to it what I used to do to things like that; take it out in the back yard and shoot it.

#18 – TREATING ME LIKE I’M A CHILD – People, do you realize that the marketing and corporate world thinks you are stupid?  If you don’t then let me ask you, why does McGruff the Crime Dog come on commercials and tell me how to protect my identity?  Why does Smokey the Bear continue to tell me that only I can prevent forest fires?  Why do morning television talk shows spend so much time covering topics like, “How to shop for socks,” “Ways to kiss better,” “Why picking the right lipstick is so important,” and so on and so forth?  They think we’re stupid!  Commercials and “self-help” shows are so elementary now and they talk to us like we’re children.  If I go to a conference and get treated like this I will walk out.  I have walked out before.  Don’t waste my time.

#17 – BLASTING MY PESSIMISM – An old high school friend of mine, Mike Meiferdt, put it best when he said, “the best thing about being a pessimist is that either you’re right or you’re pleasantly surprised.”  I can’t add to that, but don’t rain on my parade because it will only drive my pessimism (which I like to call “realism) further.

#16 – BELIEVING THAT YOU CAN MOVE ME BY BEING STUBBORN – Those who know me well know that while I try not to be jerk in life I am extremely stubborn.  If I get the sense that you are trying to win over me by being stubborn I have a little surprise for you.  I can play that game too, and I usually win.  It’s a horrible trait to have and I’ve worked hard on not being stubborn, but I can get lock-jaw and hold on as long as necessary.  Ask my wife, when we argue she knows that I’ll stick on a point until its settle no matter how long it takes or how exhausted we might be.  Patient people earn my respect.  Stubborn people will only get stubbornness in return, and I take stubbornness to a whole new level.

#15 – TRUSTING ME WITH ADMINSITRATIVE TASKS – If you put a list of administrative tasks in front of me prepare to be disappointed.  I’m horrible with administration and maybe it’s just the guy in me, but I’m just no good at it.  Believe me, I work hard at improving and won’t give up trying, but that doesn’t mean I’ll always come through.  It’s better for you to entrust me with something else.  Remember, I hate being asked to clean my room and if my room was always in order I would never have been asked.  My room is never in order and that is because I’m horrible at administrative tasks. 

#14 – TELLING ME I’M NOT PLAYING A DRUM RIGHT – There is an exception to this rule and that is if you are actually a qualified percussion instructor.  I don’t mind being asked to play softer, louder, faster, or slower because that is nothing more than an adjustment.  However, to tell me that I’m not playing it right is sheer ignorance on your part unless you are a percussion specialist.  You see, I would never tell a piano player that they’re doing something wrong unless I could play piano with great skill.  Therefore, I leave those thoughts to myself.  They are ignorant thoughts and don’t deserve the light of day.  So if you are about to tell me that I’m playing it wrong then I must warn you that you are about to learn a little lesson about ignorance.  I’ll adjust, but I won’t be corrected by someone who has no knowledge of the subject.  Don’t you just love pride? 

#13 – TELLING ME I’M JEALOUS OR ARROGANT FOR SAYING A DRUMMER IS BAD – This situation occurs many times.  I’ll be at a concert or a music show and those with me will inevitably ask me what I think of the drummer.  Now I have both played and witnessed drummers play at a level that is as high as you can go.  I don’t say that out of pride any more than it is for an NBA star to say that he has played the game of basketball at the highest level.  The one curse of playing and competing at such a high level is that you develop a standard that is extremely hard to please.  Therefore, I usually do not find myself impressed by the drummers I watch.  There are those that do shock me and I am clearly in awe of them (Buddy Rich, Carter Beauford, Dennis Chambers, anyone who played with The Blue Devils, Billy Hafer, etc.).  However, usually when I’m asked I tell them that I think they were bad.  Then I always hear, “Oh, you’re just jealous” or “That’s pretty arrogant of you isn’t it?”  NO, IT ISN’T. 

I’m like the Simon Cowell of percussionists.  I know a star and a true talent when I see one and I’m not afraid to speak truth to those who fall short of that standard.  Everyone hates Simon Cowell for his comments, but the fact of the matter is that he has always been more accurate about predicting who would be the true finalists than any other judge on American Idol.  Why?  Because he knows what he’s talking about.  When it comes to drums I know what I’m talking.  I’m sorry if that smells like pride.  I think it smells like knowledge and if you want a detailed explanation then I’ll give it to you.

It’s so funny to me how those criticize me for being arrogant usually do not want to hear my many explanations when it comes to the drummer’s poor finger technique, inability to push air through the drum head, failing to support the melody and synchronize with the rhythm section, lack of dynamics, choppy sixteenth notes, closed diddles, loud ghost notes, and a shaky internal metronome, but what do I know, I’m just a jealous drummer.

#12 – PLAYING POLITICS WITH ME – I don’t like suck-ups and I don’t cow-tow to people who are more concerned about jockeying for position than they are doing the job right and/or helping the team succeed.  If I’m in a position of authority over others and I see that someone is trying to play politics with me they will soon find themselves looking elsewhere.  Why?  Politics has ruined more than it has helped.  Selflessness and teamwork has built everything that politicians try so hard to destroy.  No one is more valuable to me than a teammate who digs through the dirt diligently and who voices his complaints with hope and respect.  No one is more worthless than someone who spends their time and energy on their own image and position.  Sure, they often make it to the top, but the top soon buries them. 

#11 – TRYING TO MAKE ME FASHIONABLE – I share the curse that C.S. Lewis admitted to having.  He talked about how no matter how much he tried to wear what was in fashion he still looked like a pudgy little kid out of place.  Too many people have tried to get me to be fashionable, but I make fashionable clothes look drab.  Therefore, I’ve long since given up on trying to look good.  I just try not to smell bad.  If I accomplish that then it’s been a good day.

#10 – MAKING ME WEAR A TIE – Shame on you for ruining my day even more than those who make me go to the dentist!  I hate ties.  Ties have no purpose.  Ties are a wicked device to choke the air out of the lungs and catch food droppings.  You can’t do anything with a tie and it doesn’t make me any warmer or dryer so why should I wear one?  Ties are driving hazards.  You can’t look to the left or to the right when you have a tie choking your neck.  Ties make me uptight, and do you really want me any more uptight? 

#9 – ASKING ME IF YOUR PET WILL GO TO HEAVEN – The largest controversy I led was in high school after a friend of mine asked if her fluffy would go to heaven.  I told her that she really does not want my answer.  She swore that she did so I said, “No” and then she began a campaign to get all of my friends to call me a “animal hater” because of my answer.  To qualify my answer I would say this, animals do not need forgiveness and the Bible does not show evidence that an animal has a soul made in the image of God.  Furthermore, there is never a reference to animals being caught up in to heaven or brought to judgment.  Will there be animals in heaven?  I guess so and I wouldn’t be shocked if there were, but will Fluffy play on your lap for eternity?  Sorry.  People don’t ask me this question for the truth, they want affirmation so they get really ticked when I tell them the answer.  This leads me to the next mistake …

#9 – ASKING ME FOR AN ANSWER ONLY TO QUESTION IT – Like my friend in high school, she had no interest in truly getting THE answer, but she wanted HER answer.  THEN DON’T ASK ME!!!  I can’t stand it when people do this.  If you ask me a question, which implies that you want to know my answer, then live with the answer you have received.  The worst thing you can do is attack my answer.  Yeah, that’ll get me to answer any more of your questions. 

#8 – INSULTING ELDERS AND SOLDIERS IN MY PRESENCE – I’ve never met a fool who respected and heeded the advice of his elders, but I know plenty of idiots who could care less about, “those old people.”  Look, anyone who has survived longer knows more about survival than you do.  As for soldiers, I wish to invoke rule number 14 because it speaks to the same thing.  To insult a soldier without ever having been a soldier is like a non-drummer telling me I’m playing the drums wrong.  It is sheer ignorance and is not worth the light of day.  I have two speeches/sermons ready for anyone who wishes to make the mistake of insulting or disrespecting elders or soldiers in my presence. 

#7 – TRYING TO MAKE A POINT WITH ME BY WRITING ME AN UNSIGNED NOTE OR LETTER – There is nothing quite like an anonymous piece of hate mail or an attempt to criticize someone.  People who are not willing to take responsibility for their comments are not worthy to be heard, even anonymously.  The one exception is an anonymous informant to America’s Most Wanted.  They’re trying to catch a criminal, not make a political statement.  When I get an e-mail, card, or letter the first thing I look for is the signature or name.  If one does not exist I simply throw it away.  I do not care to get worked up over someone’s thought when I don’t know who that someone is.  So if you like to send anonymous notes, don’t send me one.  I don’t read them.

#6 – GETTING ME TO PLAY BOARD GAMES – I’m a sore loser and I’m an extreme competitor.  When I my competitive juices start flowing they mix with my extreme stubbornness and form the perfect storm of “taking it too far.”  Thus, my only defense against this horrible nature of mine is to not play board games unless I truly do not feel the slightest tingle of competitiveness in my body.  The minute I’m in a situation where there is a winner and a loser I get committed to winning and my stress level goes through the roof.  I hate it when I’m at a party and people want to play a game.  For them it’s a bonding experience.  For me it’s much more than that.  Thus, my defense is to not play.  I’m a party pooper, but better to poop out before the game than to be a beast after the game is lost.  Those who have witnessed me in this condition will readily agree.

#5 – MISTAKING MY KINDNESS FOR WEAKNESS – Isn’t it rather prideful of me to say that I have a lot of kindness?  I hope not.  I try to be respectful to everyone I meet, I tip 20% at worst, I hold doors open for people, I try to apply grace when I’m in a position to do so, and I have not hit anyone for some time (after all it’s been 6 months since my brother and I were together).  I try not to be rebellious and I try to listen to people’s side of the story, but often-times it gets some people to think that I’m a pushover.  Believe me, if you’re pushing me over two things are true, 1)I know you’re doing it and 2) I’m letting you do it.  Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness because in the same way that I don’t play games because of the potential for my competitive side to come out, I try not to push people around because if I have to be firm I can be brutally firm.  There’s a great line from Tom Selleck in the movie, Quigley Down Under, where the bad guy makes him get into a shootout with a pistol because earlier in the movie he says, “I’ve never had much use for a pistol.”  In the end, Tom shoots the bad guy, a pistol specialist, and he walks over to the dying man to say one last thing.  He looks at the bad guy and says, “I told you I’ve never had much use for one.  That doesn’t mean I don’t know how to use it.”  Well, remember that if you choose to assume that I’m weak.  True strength comes not from blaring it out, but from controlling it for the right time.  Aslan was a fierce lion, whose roar would strike fear even into the soul of the White Witch, but yet he was gentle enough that children were comfortable around him.  I’m no lion (I’m hairy enough), but let the analogy sink in.

#4 – PEEING DOWN MY BACK AND TELLING ME IT’S RAINING – This is a classic line from the movie, The Outlaw Josie Wales and I agree with it.  I hate it when people try to pull the wool over my eyes.  It’s like when you’re in an airplane and the plane is convulsing wildly, smoke is coming from the cabin, and you hear screaming in the front only to have the flight attendant come to you and say, “Oh, we’re just having some slight turbulence.  Would you like a warm towel?”  No, I’d like to know if I need to be preparing for my last moments on earth, thank you very much!  Don’t try to fluff your comment to the point that it doesn’t say what you mean it to say.  You know, like “redeployment,” “I did not inhale,” “We’re not biased, we just report the news,” and so on and so forth.  Please, don’t pee down my back and then tell me it’s just raining.  You’re insulting me.

#3 – TELLING ME HISTORY IS NOT IMPORTANT – If you truly believe this then let me ask you this.  Would you ever put your hand on a hot stove twice?  If you say yes, then I won’t get upset because you’re truly foolish and you deserve pity.  If you say no then you have proven yourself to be wrong.  History is extremely important because it teaches us to beware of the mistakes of mankind and to put the struggles of modern day into proper perspective.  When we fail to appreciate history we both set ourselves up for disaster without even caring to notice and we bemoan the things that are not important, which causes us to make more decisions to further enact disaster and round and round the circle we go.  Thus, when I asked conservatives, why would you burn down your house just to get rid of a couple of rats I based this statement on common sense and history.  Many who voted have no historical respect and now we’re going to have an interesting set of years.  If you want another sermon just tell me history is not important.

#2 – MAKING ME LATE – When I was in drumline we had at least 4 practices a week on a normal week (and this did not include shows, parades, and concerts).  This schedule would continue for 46 weeks a year (three weeks off in July and the end of April) for 4 years and if I was late for JUST ONE practice then I was off the drumline.  So, it was in high school that I learned an important lesson – being late is a failure to plan ahead.  It is VERY possible to be on time.  Don’t believe me?  Try inspecting the schedules and habits of those who are usually late.  You will find that delaying the start time will not cause them to show up on time because they’ll just show up that much later.  It’s like raising minimum wage.  All it does it drive prices that much higher instead of creating a cushion, but I’m getting political again.  People who are often late are because of their habits not because of traffic.  There will always be the rare occasion where something happens, but that is RARE and so if I’m in your group and we’re running late you’re going to hear it from me. 

#1 – ENDANGERING MY FAMILY – Ooh, just not a good idea.  I was only in one fist fight in my life, but I almost got into a huge one when this punk, Shane, decided that he would beat on my brother after school.  When I confront him, fully prepared to either take or give whatever beating was necessary, I was dead set on taking care of business.  Now that I have a family of my own I can say that the worst mistake you could make is to get between my family and me.  I’ll swim through shark-infested waters in a seal outfit if that is what it would take to eliminate whatever is between my family and me.  So whatever you do, don’t make that mistake!

There you go.  Now that you know the 30 mistakes you can avoid them and we can all live in happy peace.  Have a great mistake-free weekend!